


Sometimes the Worst Part is Living

by inadistantworld



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a side of hope??, Canon Dialogue, Death Wish, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 02:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15281694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inadistantworld/pseuds/inadistantworld
Summary: Keg volunteers her life in exchange for everyone else's to be the hero. But there's more to it than that. Sacrifice is her most selfish act and she can't even do that right.





	Sometimes the Worst Part is Living

**Author's Note:**

> Spent all day saying I wasn't going to write anything and then I thought about Keg for three seconds and how she gave herself up so easily and how Lorenzo left her alive, and well let's be honest there's a lot Keg's dealing with and she's probably feeling pretty guilty about what happened. So I thought a little too much about what might have been going through her head and here we are  
> Also Beau had this terrible belief that she can never lose or die and, even after all this, sees it more like round one rather than a warning. It's also unfortunately infectious.  
> Not only is this one not edited (like all the other works I've posted) but I didn't even read it over to make sure I didn't fuck up someone's name or anything, so if something is so obviously wrong that it's ridiculous then let me know. If it's my usual minor garbage writing then I'm not so worried because I am probably going to either take a step back from writing until we know what's going on or I'm going to write sad shit, so we will see. But I definitely won't be doing any real editing or reading over whatever I do

“You should know, I have no respect for authority.” She hasn’t known Beau for very long but it’s quite possibly the most Beau like thing she’s ever heard. It’s only made worse because Beau hasn’t even looked up from Molly. Keg is just gripping her javelin so hard her hand is shaking. She couldn’t even throw them at Lorenzo. She couldn’t even get close to him.

Molly did and look where it got him.

“Then another life it is.” Lorenzo sounds like that’s the answer he wanted. Keg knows enough about him to know that’s true, he likes to see the worst things he can do to another people.

She’s seen this before. She knows what happens next. They’re just converging on these people, this admittedly weird but good people. People she is…responsible for somehow. She told helped them, she told them about them, she asked for their help, she pressured them into this fight. Of course they would say they would have done it on their own but…well Keg knows she played a part in this and then she turned tail and ran and now Molly is dead.

“Stop! Stop. Make me the example. Stop, just stop attacking them,” She starts running towards Lorenzo and it’s possibly the only time she’s regret being a dwarf because she’s still so goddamn far away from him. And all she can think of is what if he doesn’t listen.

It’s a heroic thing to do, nobody would ever deny that. She was sacrificing herself for others and that was something heroes did, champions even. But it was selfish and she knew it.

Beau’s voice was always rough but now it was hollow too. Something was missing. “Hey Keg, no wait that’s your name.” Keg might have laughed under any other circumstances, “Hey Lorenzo, This one’s for Beau. Wait fuck! I got all my names fucked up! This one’s for Molly and Yasha, because we fucked this up before I’m going to get this right this time.” She pulled her tinderbox out and Keg could see the pure fury and hatred, even though she screwed up her cool one liners.

He doesn’t even seem to notice when the flames begin to curl across his body. He doesn’t even look away from Keg as she runs to him, a slow smile working its way across his face. Beau takes her staff and tries to hit him in the face. He dodges the first blow instinctively and the second catches him in the jaw, but he just takes it.

Nott is screaming for Beau to run in the background. She’s been screaming for Beau to run this whole time. Keg doesn’t take it personally that Nott doesn’t ask her to. After all, Keg is in the middle of sacrificing herself. After all, it is Keg’s fault.

Beauregard listens though and starts booking it back to Caleb and Nott. Lorenzo’s hand twitches like he wants to take the chance to hit her, but he doesn’t go for it. He just watches Keg run for a moment longer before he walks up and closes the distance between them. One of the others tries to pat the fire out but he shoos them off and lets the flames keep going.

“Looks like an eye for an eye scenario.” He points to the dead druid but it’s not like he actually cares. Not like he’s ever cared. Eye for an eye is too strong of an analogy, but he makes the rules and he decides what to call it. “You say you wanna be an example?

“Will you let them go?” Keg can’t look at them. She just looks up at Keg, trying as hard as she can to look tough. She feels like at any moment she could throw up, but this has to look heroic so she’s got to keep it down.

“Sure.” He raises his hand up, the flames still rolling over him, and everyone lowers their weapons and steps back.

Keg knew she couldn’t trust him to follow through. He was an unpredictable type, one who liked to inflict as much pain as he could. A real sadistic bastard. He had a code, it was just one he kept to himself. Honestly, though, Keg didn’t really care. Once she was dead she couldn’t stop him from killing the others, she was no longer responsible for keeping them alive. She wouldn’t have to watch it. And for those last few minutes before they died too they would see her as the one who tried to save them, the one who made the ultimate sacrifice, and not the one who ran away and left Molly too—

“We’re gonna make an example of our old friend!” Lorenzo calls out to the others. “Round up what you can.” Then he turns around and leads her up to the others. She doesn’t look back to see his people getting the carts ready to leave. It doesn’t matter to her anymore.

He grabs her shoulder roughly and pushes her to her knees in front of her new—what, friends?—and she doesn’t even try to fight him. She’s right in front of Beau, just staring down at her sandals. Keg’s shoulders are sagging and her head is hanging down so she doesn’t have to look at them. This way she can imagine the others aren’t a little bit happy about this, that they’re getting a little bit of vengeance.

This way she doesn’t have to pretend she isn’t a little bit relieved that she goes first—second. She’s second now.

She almost throws up again but manages to keep it down.

“The Iron Shepards have a reputation.” He’s standing behind Keg with his hand still heavy on her shoulder. She can feel that flames at the side of her face because he still hasn’t put them out. What’s more terrifying and what sends a bigger message than a man on fire killing someone who made you fight these people knowing how dangerous they were? “And I expect you to tell everyone you come across what here today. And the mistake it is to turn against us.”

Keg closes her eyes and lets out a slow breath. _I always knew I’d die at his hand_ , she thinks, because who else would it be? She had vowed to kill him, but she knew the best case scenario was that they killed each other and she died moments after he did. The worst was this, and it wasn’t even really that bad. It was over and that was good. She could put it all to bed and do whatever the hell people did on the other side. Even if it was shitty at least it wasn’t this.

And then she feels his hot breath on her ear, “Doesn’t feel too great. I want you to _live_ with the memory of what you did today.” And he straightens back up and with one harsh kick to her back sends her sprawling forward and onto her face.

That breaks her. Because this, _this_ , is the worst case scenario and she never even prepared for it.

“If I see any of your faces again,” he says as he pats himself out finally, “well at least you’ll be able to see your friend on the other side.” She can hear the horrid smile in his voice and she just stays where she is on the ground trying not to cry, she said she wouldn’t do that anymore, not until Lorenzo was dead.

“Fuck you Lorenzo,” Beau spits out. So much hatred towards him and if Keg didn’t know it would be directed at her next she would have been a little bit aroused.

“Fuck me indeed,” he agrees and Keg listens to him walk away.

When Lorenzo his far enough away that they feel comfortable to move again they all rush back to Molly. Keg just stays on the ground where she is and replays what Lorenzo said to her.

He didn’t leave her alive to send a message to others. Not even to make her live with her failure, though that still would put a smile on his face. No. He wanted her to live knowing that she pushed them into this fight and she told them how badly she wanted them dead and that when they went to kill him she ran away from him and didn’t even try to attack him.

To live with the knowledge that no matter how hard she tried she’d never be enough to kill him. He wanted her to live with the body of that one over there on her shoulders, with another life that was lost because of _her._ Just like the others.

And they would know it too. He wanted her to live with their eyes glaring holes into her as she got closer to his body. Live with them going quiet and cold to her the longer she was around. To know that she wasn’t the only one who blamed herself anymore, now there were witnesses left to see the havoc she wrecked on every life but hers. He wanted her to live wondering how long it was before they took their revenge and did the dirty work for him.

She thought about Beau more than the other two. Beau was the one she had thought about more the entire time since they’d met. How many times had she thought about Beau like that? She didn’t like to admit it, but Beau was her type. And now she couldn’t even look in her direction. It was okay though, she was sure Beau was looking at her with enough hatred for them both. She was sure she would feel it through her armor in less than an hour. And she would have to live with that.

Lorenzo didn’t want her to live to send a message to anyone about their reputation or even to saddle her with guilt and regret. Lorenzo wanted her to live because he liked to inflict pain. Lorenzo wanted her to live so the others could kill her. And that was so much worst than him just plunging a blade through her like she had hoped.

“Keg!” Beau’s voice was abrasive and grating and…scared. “Keg get the fuck up! You’re the strongest one and we need to get Molly to—to someone!” She sounded frantic and Keg pushed herself up to her knees.

She looked over her shoulder and saw that Beau had her arms under Molly’s armpits and was dragging him along in the dirt. Caleb was flipping through his book so quickly that Keg was wondering if he was going to rip out a page. He’s muttering something under his breath and Nott is just drinking freely from her flask. But Beau was just pulling him in the dirt. And she was begging for Keg to help.

Keg felt like she was moving in a daze, like she was just watching herself move across the road back to where the tiefling was lifeless in Beau’s arms.

“He’s dead.” It was cold and hard and Keg knew that isn’t what people are supposed to say.

Beau’s eyes turned cold and she said, “I may not have meant to call these people my family, but I meant it when I said it. There are people out there who can bring him back. You’re the only one who can put him on one of these horses right now, so just do it already. And then, when we get him back, we’re going to find those motherfuckers and kill them this time.”

There was no point in arguing because Keg believed her 100%. So she picked Molly up, scuffing his boots a little as she carried him to where they had hidden the horses because she wasn’t quite tall enough to keep him off the ground entirely, and tried to find some renewed vigor. The last thing on Beau’s mind today was killing, or even hating, Keg, which meant she had time to fix this.


End file.
